Promoting Intimacy and Positive, Healthy, Consenting Adult Sexuality

Is Intimacy and GFE Experience Possible With a Sexworker?

posted 29 December 2000 
Like you, I am also an paunchy grey-beard who is often more than twice the age of the women in the parlours and strip joints. However, I gaze at the night-life with a more jaundiced eye than you might. Your insight into the workings of the sex industry in Canada leads me to ponder the following things;

1) Why do sex patrons, especially young and lonely pervs and sickos go to massage parlours and then try to entice, bribe or cajole a masseuse into giving them sex or a blowjob when they can easily open the phone book for an full-service escort at the same price?

2) Why do these same people want a "GFE" from an escort? Remember, no matter what she says, she doesn't love you and never ever will!

3) Why do people want intimacy in these pseudo-sex situations? These should be treated as a step up from masturbation since, for many of the women, it is strictly a business proposition.

My Reply:
posted 29 December 2000
1) I don't think most that go to MP are "lonely pervs and sickos" but I agree they should not put a body rub at legal risk by trying to get anything more than the standard release. As you say with outcall escorts legal and so easy to find, I've sad you Canadians are spoiled compared to us in the U.S without even the body rub legal option much less anything else.

2) You confuse GFE with real love. I enjoy sharing what I call universal love which can be freely shared as two human souls for the moment...even with a sexworker. But it isn't the romantic "falling in love" but more "standing in love as a fellow human soul" with no long-term expectation other than for the moment. I look at it as a human interaction even if paid, not just pure sex. I enjoy intimacy for an hour in paid situation, sorry if that seems to offend you and some others but I believe you can share a level of sincere intimacy with a sexworker. 

3) Your are right for many women it is a strictly business no emotional interaction - just like traditional swinging is vs the real love of polyamory. But some of us understand more the human side of even a sexworker interaction and find many sexworkers actually enjoy men and it shows. In Canada French-Canadians seem much more this way (with of course exceptions) than most other Canadians which often are more like U.S. providers. With sexworkers from other less sexually repressed cultures, the GFE/ intimacy factors often seems much more natural.

I am older (53) but rarely attracted to anyone close to my age, who are usually also overweight in the U.S. which I have no attraction to. I've played the dating games for many years and when I ask the typical U.S. women what they seek in a relationship, the answer is usually something like "someone who values monogamy as much as I do."

Of course they never considered enjoying sexual variety in an honest way such as swinging or sexworkers, their only idea is anything other than monogamy is "cheating".

I find the honestly and intimacy sharing interactions of sexworkers far more fulfilling than the dating game and when you do get into s relationship most non-working women, want to get married. This is usually due to insecurity needing a legal paper for security instead of the relationship.

I would love to find a real prime relationship, having been searching for years and have had a few, but none that were very compatible long-term, so I am just being practical enjoying sharing with sexworkers, while always being open to a real relationship, but as I get older that seems less and less likely.

GFE can be for the moment, it doesn't have to result in "falling in love" that you seem so afraid. It is more like standing in love of a unique spirit of a person and seeking to express this Universal love by sensual pleasure giving touch, sensuality and sexuality.

But we are taught in our culture "love" has to be exclusive and possessing another.

Here is my view of GFE which I realize is not shared by all, that is fine, its just one view:

GFE by Dave in Phoenix
Many people in reviews public and private say they seek GFE

To me, GFE is "Girl Friend Experience" like renting a girl friend for the hour instead of the more cold, detached "hooker" type pro. Obviously many of us seek this GFE, not a pro like many in Nevada etc.

But GFE is defined differently by different people. For me, GFE involves having an emotional and intellectual connection with a provider like you would with a real girlfriend, not just a body for physical sex. Some define it by what things a provider will do such as kiss. But I've experienced very mechanical kisses and relate it more to that "connection" on a deeper level than only the body, even if only for the moment, is paid for and you may not meet her again. 

In the GFE I seek, I especially enjoy caring high touch intimacy, stoking, massaging, holding her, caressing her trying to relate to her inner spirit via high tender touch not a body to have sex with. Combine this GFE intimacy and sensual sexuality and I really enjoy the experience. 

While there are exceptions, I find very few American providers offer this. The attitude in the U.S. is often "oh, I save all emotions for my boyfriend". This contrasts sharply with women I've met from many other cultures, Europe, Latin America, Asian, that seem so much more open to sharing GFE and the type of intimacy I enjoy.

The reasons are quite obvious. Most other cultures don't have the repressive sexual attitudes that we do in the U.S. Often foreign women are much more naturally open, intimate and provide easy GFE which is often totally foreign to most U.S. sexworkers. Their are of course exceptions of wonderful GFE providers in the U.S. and hard business only pro foreign women. But in my "studies" of providers in various parts of the world, as well as for example in Los Angeles and San Francisco, where you have lots of foreign women at hostess and strip clubs etc., my overwhelming experience is this obvious difference in cultures.

In response Caitlin a Phoenix sexworker said:
"While I have not advertized myself as GFE, that is what many of my clients have experienced. To me it is a question not of what you do, but how you do it. It definately involves some kind of "connection," as Dave put it.

When I'm with a client, I genuinely want both of us to have a good time. I usually manage to find something (or a lot) about their personality that I like, which makes it more fun for me. GFE definately means no clock watching, filling out the hour if he finishes early, a massage if he wants it, things like that. 

A GFE may or may not include kissing. I like what CJ said about earning a kiss. If it doesn't happen on the first date, don't despair, it might happen on subsequent dates. If there is no genuine desire in me to give you a kiss, it will be mechanical. I always appreciate a client who lets me kiss him first before he kisses me.

It seems to me a GFE is rather indefinable. Everyone has a different idea about it. That emotional connection is an intangible, and there is no guarantee that you and your provider will experience it. And one needn't have a FS provider to achieve that either."

Dave says, that was a great response from Caitlin, who I thank for her input (reposted with her permission)

More good thoughts:
by St. Louis Guy:
"GFE is one thing to one person, another thing to another, but I know from experience, that you can share an hour (or most times less) with a very beautiful woman and feel totally ripped off afterwards, mainly due to a "get it over" attitude, which says, "Hurry up, pay me, and I'm outta here!!" Those experiences, widely experienced in Vegas and other markets with certain agencies or individual providers really suck, especially when you pay higher dollar. The best GFE is the girl or woman who treats you in a relaxed, human (not mecanical) manner, and responds. She doesn't have to kiss, but many do, and safe sex is the rule, of course. But it is the willingness to do MORE than "lay" there and let the guy "get off".... It's a GFE like this with a gal who might be attractive, but not a total "knock-out", that sweetly lingers in the memory. The message to providers should be...treat us the most humanly way possible, get into it, and leave an impression. That's the way to do it! "

But not everyone wants GFE such as what one man said:
"Some guys want/like a GFE but not all us. Snuggling, holding hands, caresses ..... ugh Sorry, I want it hot and nasty. "

And more wisdom from retlakk:
"Personally, I get the most pleasure out of sex when we both have a good time. I really try to turn the girl on and please her. Stroking, cuddling, kissing is all part of that, and it's surely unnatural to preserve complete emotional detachment while giving this the full attention which it deserves.

Maybe it's a question of age. I'm over 50, have had several girlfriends. I don't think I'm going to get lovesick over a sex affair. For a young man, it might be different. Yes, there is some danger of getting hooked, these girls are not called "hookers" for nothing. But treating a girl like some kind of animated rubber doll misses most of the point of making love."

So different men seek different type of providers, hot and nasty or more intimacy and that hard to define intangible GFE.
Dave in Phoenix
Promoting Intimacy and Positive Sexuality

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